So much.

Tonight is a beautiful night.

I went to an NA meeting with my brother, Alex. It was phenomenal. He is one of my favorite people. We sat and laughed, he showed me his room at the friend's house he's been living at. Being with him makes me feel real. And he wants to continue going with meetings to me. I wasn't sure if this was his way of showing he was stepping towards recovery until he told me he wanted to get back into the rehab facility I went to. I am so proud, so joyful I could just burst. I love him so much.

After the meeting Helen, Luke, and I dropped Alex off. Then the three of us went home to play Apples to Apples with Ma, Kit, Brie, and Brie's husband Joe. It was one of the best times I've had in a long time. The entire game I couldn't stop laughing. My face has been plastered in a permanent grin. I feel beautiful tonight. They are beautiful tonight. This is my family. The family I feel most comfortable with I was given by God, not by birth. It is truly amazing. It was fate that I be brought in with them. I love them so much.

Sometimes I think I want to marry Luke. Sometimes I think I want to make love to Luke. I feel the intense compulsion to touch him every time I'm in his presence. I want to put my arm around him, I want to sit close to him, I want to be with him. I don't lust after him, I desire him, I long for him. It takes all the self control I can muster to stop myself from doing these things, because in the end I would just hurt him. I'm not stable enough for a relationship and it would probably be a really stupid idea to think I could go from one long term relationship to another. Because that's what it would be. I could never just casually date Luke. If I'm with Luke I am completely committed to him. I could not bring myself to do anything to even remotely bring him pain.

When I love someone I love them with everything in me. I do all I can to make them happy, safe. Whatever they are lacking I try to provide it. Being loved by me is wonderful, but intense. When I tell you I love I'm saying it so you know I am willing to do whatever it takes to give you what you want or need. So if you hear me say it to you understand what you are getting yourself into. Love is not a game to me. My love for someone does not wax and wane, it's static. And it's forever. I am yet to love someone and lose that love for them. No matter what we go through or how badly you hurt me I will always feel that love for you.

With that said, you can understand why I cannot ever pursue a relationship with Luke unless I am ready to take on the responsibility. Luke is self conscious, used to being under appreciated, and so intelligent that it's a burden. Sometimes I'm still in awe at how well read and knowledgeable he is. It almost scares me. And he is so willing to love me. Helen and I talk about him at least once every day. She feels like she knows he's already in love with me. I'm not so sure. Whatever the case, he always gives me what he needs. When I'm sad he wants to make me smile. When I'm happy he wants to revel in my warmth. When I'm angry he wants to soothe my soul. He is amazing. I have a stupid, crazy crush on him. And I'm sure it shows.

When we're at work together people comment on the tension between the two of us. I have never noticed, but it's apparent to everyone else. He doesn't expect our relationship to go much farther than the friendship we share. Helen has asked him. The family already loves him. They want him to keep coming back, to throw some NA speak at you. He and Joe get along swimmingly. He is perfect to me, character defects and all.

I hesitate to say that Luke is beautiful, because I'm not sure that's the right word for him. Luke is... too masculine, too... hard-looking to be called beautiful. He's sensitive and caring, but beautiful just doesn't fit. Luke is striking and handsome. He is wonderful, in every sense of the word. I love him so much.

Kit, Helen, Luke, and I are about to leave to go to Steak and Shake, one of our favorite places in the world. I don't want this night to end. I'm as giddy and happy to be alive as when I was in treatment. My life is beautiful. The world is beautiful. Tonight I am not dope sick. Tonight I am not high. Tonight I am not desperate. Tonight I am not lonely. Tonight I am not hateful. Tonight I am so thankful to be alive. Tonight I am with the people who are my family. And I love them so much.