my name.

I have this friend named Darrell. He is 15 years older than me and yet we are so alike. We drive to meetings together frequently. Every time he picks me up he and I share stories, laugh at each other's stupidity when we used, and talk about how much we love sobriety. We call on each other for support and share in each others happiness. I love him so much. He never tells me he loves me too when I say goodbye to him, but he lets me know all the time that loves me when we're on the phone or when he texts me. He calls me Sunshine.


I have this friend named Luke. I've known him since freshman year of high school. We have always been close and he has always had feelings for me. I have never felt anything other than friendship for him until now. I completely cut him out of my life when I was using and now that he's back I'm not sure what I would do if he left. Luke is tall and thin from being so sick the past year. He has very light skin and is covered in freckles. His hair is short and orange, but you can only tell because of his facial hair. He wears a white hat all the time. If it's not on his head it's hanging out of his back pocket. He means everything to me. I would never persue a relationship with him for fear that I would lose him as a companion. I need him. I love him in a way I love very few people. When we talk and when we're together we banter and throw insults at the other almost constantly. I can laugh at his jokes but he often takes me too seriously. He calls me Beautiful.


I have this friend named Alex. He is my brother, not by blood, but by love. He is a sociopath and a drug addict, but I see the human in him show through mostly when we're laughing. He has been my brother, my best friend, my partner in crime for almost as long as I've known him. We would steal together. We would sell together. We'd cop together. We'd get high together. We'd get sick together. And now we are just together and it's the best it's ever been. I love everything about him, even his scars. I want more for him than he thinks he deserves. I will love him enough for the both of us. He calls me Tinkerbell.


I have this friend named Helen. We are inseperable. From the time I wake her up in the morning to the time she tells me I must sleep at night we are either together or talking. She lifts me up when I am down and never lets me get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Helen is amazing. The next man I'm with will be sorely butthurt when he learns that she will always come before them. Helen is literally my other half. It feels strange to be apart from her. She can tell what I'm thinking before I say it and how I'm feeling before I know it. We are linked and I love it. She calls me Wife.


I have this friend named Shain. He was my first true love. We were together for almost five years and I can't seem to let him go. He is beautiful. His eyes are his fathers and his smile is his own. His laugh is kind. His hands are thin, like the rest of him, and long. He and Alex are full blooded brothers. They share the same fingers, with tips that curve up at the ends and stubby fingernails. His hair is dark and long. His love for me is powerful and real. Everything reminds me of him. He is clean now, something like twenty days behind me. I have never been more proud of him. I love him, I love him, oh God, how I love him. It physically weighs on me how heavy and strong my unconditional love for him is. I have to limit how much time I talk to him because I get sucked back into the whirlwind, the tidal wave, the ocean that is his love. He calls me Seascape.