UDF guy

For a short while I lived in a small, rural town about an hour north east of the capital. The town itself is very small and old fashioned and the population is even smaller and more old fashioned. I was living in the upstairs apartment of an old house and about a five minute walk from this house was a United Dairy Farmers gas station. It was at this UDF that I first laid eyes on UDF guy.

UDF guy is a twenty something whose name I think is Ryan. Maybe I read it on his name tag or maybe he just looks like a Ryan to me. Whatever the case, I have been infatuated with UDF guy since I first saw him. He is probably about five feet, 10 or 11 inches tall. He's got shaggy dark brown hair and very light skin. He's incredibly thin and has a long face with a squared jaw. His eyes are a very clear blue.

I hadn't been to that specific gas station in months until last night. It seems like it must have been fate that I go there at that specific time on that specific day because when I pulled up, there he was, in all his UDF glory, putting something back in one of the refrigerator doors that holds all the soda. When I walked in he hurried to get behind the counter and smiled at me. I almost died. Seriously, I almost dropped dead right there in the doorway. I could have fallen face down on that grungy little mat they have when you walk in, all because he smiled when he saw me. ANYWAY I got all silly and giggly and wasted a good amount of time meandering around because I wanted to continue staring at him. When I finally got up to the counter he rang me up and we chit chatted for a bit, which was nice despite the fact that I was smiling like a crazy person. He asked me how I was and I asked him how he was and he smiled and I smiled. His hair was a lot longer since I had last been there and I looked a lot better, two very good things, in my opinion.

I think UDF guy might also have a long-term crush on me. I'm not going to go into detail, but I can just feel it. I feel it in my bones. I will say this, though: He goes out of his way to be the one to ring me up and he always smiles when he sees me and sometimes we talk about more than the massive amount of Lemonheads I buy from them. One time the shelf didn't have any Lemonheads on it and he helped me look up and down the store to see if they had any more. I'm going to go ahead and say that the aforementioned incident shows that he has taken a liking to me.

I have been crushing on this gas station guy for almost four years now and I think it's about time he make a move. Even in his little apron he is still sexy. Maybe even more than sexy because he can look sexy with an apron on. ANYWAY I used to fantasize all the time that we would just get down to business when I came in. I would still like that to happen. This is the best I have looked in a long time. It seems right. Especially since now I'm single. I still feel very obligated to Shain, mainly because I think we're going to get married one day, but I wouldn't mind throwing my book of morals out the window of my car while I was driving down State Route 3 to get to that gas station for a night with UDF guy.

Her.

She moves up to me from behind and wraps her familiar, comfortable arms around me.
"I am all you need, now and forever," she whispers softly in my ear. The warmth from her body shoots from my arms, up to my chest, and fills my head with painful memories. Her lips brush my neck and she caresses my skin up and down.
"I'm the only one who has ever cared about you, dear. How many times must we go through this? You'll always be mine." I shake my head in defiance and she quiets me.
"Why do you doubt me? I am your beginning and end, my love. Just accept it." Her breath is hot on my skin and sweat beads on my forehead. My heart pounds.
"Do you feel that blood pulsing in your veins? I am the reason you are alive. You are nothing without me. All you need is me. I love you, my baby. I love you and that is all that matters." I can feel her devilish smile as she rests her cheek on my shoulder.
We had reenacted this moment time and time again. This was not the first time she convinced me all I had was her, but it would be the last.

I lift my hands from my sides and remove her arms from my waist. I pull myself away from her and turn myself around to stare her in the face.
"I love you. I have loved you for so long. But I hate you and I hate what you have caused me to become." Her eyes grow wide and her jaw tenses. I can see her delicate hands ball into fists. "I no longer need you. I never needed you. But you held me so lovingly, you covered my scars and protected me from feeling. I don't want that anymore. I don't want you. What is life if you cannot share it with others? There are people who love me and deserve what I have to offer more than you."
I take her gentle face in my hands. I smile slightly and place my lips on her forehead. I kiss her face all over, her cheeks, her nose, her chin, and her lips.
"Goodbye, my sweet. I never have to be alone ever again."

Never alone

My body was exhausted and my mind was tired. I didn't know what else I could say, I just needed to listen. My shoulders felt like I was setting down a heavy load for a little while. I breathed in and out, in and out.

"It's 8:55, you guys, time to circle up!"
I raised my body up and supported myself only by leaning on the table in front of me, putting all my weight on my hands. I took a deep breath and moved my way to the circle. Georgia walked towards me. He bright green eyes shined directly at me and she smiled.
"Hey, girl," she whispered to me as she put her arms around me. "We have more in common than I ever thought." I smiled weakly at her and she slipped her arm around my waist, holding me up from my left side. Pippi strode towards me.
"We're gonna talk after the meeting, do you hear me? Don't you worry. What the fuck can they do to you? We all pay for our consequences of using and you don't have to do this shit alone. We all love you." She put her left arm around my waist and held up my right side. The room came together in a circle, all of us with our arms holding the others close.
Georgia and Pippi are both slightly taller than me and with their arms around me my shoulders were pushed upward, my arms around their necks. They held me up when I could not stand. I felt like Jesus on the cross, his apostles helping him to carry it up the hill. These addicts are my apostles. My consequences are my cross to bare. Their arms are outstretched in love and support.


Welcome home! The war is over! You never have to be alone again!

Ocean Isle

It is snowing again. It is always snowing here. I am almost to the point that I can't stand it anymore.


I am standing on the deck of our beach house in North Carolina. Night has finally fallen but it's still warm. There are stars and ocean and sand for miles all around us. The only lights you can see come naturally from the sky or from other beach houses. The only noises are the waves lapping up to the shore and people laughing and singing in the distance.

My aunt, Vicky, stands in front of me, beer in hand. She's not actually my aunt, but she is. Vicky has been friends with my family since she and my Aunt Anne were in college together. I have known her since I was born.
"You should really read this book," she tells me. She reaches over to the glass table next to us and hands me a paperback. I can smell the alcohol on her, even though she's only a little tipsy. It mixes beautifully with the scent of salt and sand and her perfume. Vicky runs her hand through her bleached bangs, and adjusts the sheathe dress she has on. All of her clothes are bought off the Home Shopping Network. Even in the dim light shed on us from the living room inside, I can see her tanned face light up and her thin lips curve into a smile.
"You're a beach child, you know?" She sips her beer and I nod knowingly. "This book is all poems about the beach and feeling at one with yourself and nature at the beach. You grew up coming here, this book is definitely for you." I tell her I'm excited to read it.
"You are so smart, so talented. You are going to go places, girl. I can feel it, you know? I can just feel that you are going to do big things. Your dad would be so proud of you."


In my head I am already at the beach. It is already 85 degrees and sunny and I am back in that moment, when I am whole and one with my favorite place. Fuck the Midwest, I want to go home.

Stupidity, not Insanity

My family tried to get me clean multiple times. I did not thank them or accept it at all.


Between Shain, Clair, and I we had pooled enough money to bail Dexter out of jail.

Dexter was my dope dealer. He's a little bit taller than me, pale and scrawny with heavy blue eyes. The lids are always drooping, making his pupils look like shining half moons. His light hair is shaved almost all the way down. Dexter has tattoos on his calves and upper and lower arms. He seems to always wear a white t-shirt and a pair of low jean shorts that he holds up with one hand, a Newport usually in the other. He has a child-like smile and a low drawl that squeaks when he gets angry or joyful. Dexter's only family is his grandma and his uncle, who both know he's a drug dealer. Gramma finds rigs and baggies in the laundry she does for him. His mother was a crack whore who left him with Gramma and his father was incarcerated for drugs most of Dexter's life. Shortly after he was released and formed a relationship with Dexter he passed away. It seems almost as if Dexter was destined to be a narcotics business man.

Clair is Dexter's girlfriend. Shain and I went to high school with her. She has always been stunningly beautiful with olive skin and shockingly blue eyes. Clair usually keeps her black, straight hair long. She's taller than me and fairly thin. She has perfect teeth and freckles all across her nose and cheeks. She never laughs, she chuckles from her belly.
Clair and I realized the day we worked to get Dexter out of jail how much we had in common. Her mom and my dad died suddenly, both when we were nine. Our relationships with our remaining parents are identical, along with our relationships with our siblings. Our reasons for using dope are exactly the same. Our lives are mirror images. I love Clair's name. She told me as we drove to pick up Shain from work that night that her parents chose that name for her because they loved Debussy's "Clair de Lune" so much. She hummed the melody and I smiled. I play classical piano. I know my Debussy.

I coughed and managed to open my eyes to the sound of someone banging on the door at ten in the morning. The four of us had been up all night, laughing, joking, shooting. I fell asleep on the beaten leather couch in Dexter's living room. I looked around and saw Shain on his elbows, staring at the door, on the love seat perpendicular to me.
"Who the fuck is that?" I asked, groggily. Within a minute Dexter wobbled himself into the living room. He was shirtless, in only boxers, and walking like a 65 year old crippled man because he was muscle pumping dope in his thighs.
"I swear to fucking God, man, if this is another bitch just stopping by to get some shit, I will fuckin kill them, man, I swear."
He brushed the sleep from his eyes and peered through the peep hole. The look on his face was that of confusion as he unpadlocked the front door.
Three large men pushed past Dexter and stepped into the living room.
"What's up, man?" Dexter squeaked.
"Who else is here, Dex? Is this it? I know this isn't it. Where the fuck is your bitch?"
"Clair!" Dexter yelled. "Come out here!" Clair stumbled out of the back bedroom, looking bewildered.
"What the fuck, Dexter. What the fuck is going on." The man who had spoken first told Clair to sit down next to me on the couch. I pulled the blanket tight across my chest and looked worriedly at Shain.
"Where are your guns, Dex?" The man asked.
"I don't have any, man. Had to sell em about a month ago."
"Dexter, I know you have some fucking guns." The man raised his voice. "Where the fuck are your fucking guns?"
"Dude, I swear on my father's grave I don't have any. On my father's grave." Dexter's voice cracked and shook like an earthquake about to rip a whole in the ground. It terrified me to see Dexter nervous. To me he was God, he was immortal, he was undefeatable. Knowing that he was just as scared as I was caused me to shiver.
"So," the man said. A night stick slipped from his shirt sleeve and fell purposefully in his hand. The other two men mimicked his action and raised their weapons. "I could fucking kill you all right fucking now and nobody would be able to do shit about it? Is that what you're fucking telling me?" Nobody said a word.
"Yeah," Dexter nearly whispered. "That's what I'm telling you."


That evening my family took me to a mental health and drug addiction center called NetCare. By that night I was back at Dexter's, the three of them waiting for me with some laughter, a joke, and a shot.

Altruism.

I picture myself on the top of a grassy hill. There is nothing around me for miles and all I can hear is the warm, summer wind blow. The sun is shining so brightly in the sky I can barely keep my eyes open. When I manage to squint through the light I see waving blades of grass in every direction, so green it almost looks fluorescent. A blue sky looks down upon me, pure white clouds drifting above my head. I am filled with an overpowering happiness, so great my body can barely stand it. My mouth forms a smile and spreads across my face into a grin. I outstretch my arms, spread my fingers apart, tilt my head back. Sunlight and heat pours over my skin.

I picture myself on a deserted beach. The air is still, but for seagulls squawking. The sun beats down and I can feel pinpricks on my skin where it is starting to burn. Warm water rushes up to my feet as waves clap right in front of me. I pull my shirt over my head and throw it somewhere in the sand behind me. My feet are soaked in salt water and I have sand caked all the way from my heel to my knees, but I shimmy out of my shorts and kick them away. Standing there, alone, content, unclothed, I wade into the warm ocean. I push past little waves and pull against the current. In a matter of minutes I dip under the waves and swim around, running my fingers through the sand. Sand, sand, sand, it's everywhere. It grazes my arms and scratches at my knees. In this moment, I'm not happy, I'm serene. There are no problems, no worries, no regrets, no fears, no resentments. There is nothing but me and this water.

I picture myself working in a garden outside of a beautiful brick and yellow house. A sweet-faced innocent little boy stares up at me from his spot in the dirt. His hands are covered in brown, his knees are scraped, and his mouth has red in the corners from Kool Aid. The sun is hidden behind a tall tree, light only making it through breaks in between leaves. A humid wind sweeps in and rustles the hair out of his perfect, little bowl cut. His big, dark, moon-shaped eyes stare up at me. His lips curve into a smile and as he starts to tell me his favorite dinosaurs. With every syllable he picks up and drops another piece of dirt. I cannot help but laugh. I take the gardening scissors in my gloved hands and cut him a marigold off the plant. This beautiful little boy giggles and turns the flower upside down. He spins it around and chuckles the way children do as he explains that now it looks like a dancer. I brush a piece of hair from my face and tell him he should give that flower to Daddy when he gets home from work. This little boy can not be more than 5 and he is my son. When I look at him I love him more and differently than I have ever loved before. I want to hold him in my arms forever, protect him from any pain he might encounter. I want him to be as happy in every situation as he is when we play in the garden. The only thing I can feel is the love I have for my baby.

Sergei

It's cold, it's cold, it's cold
Til you bring yourself to me
You're right outside my door
Standing in the snow it's 75 and sunny

Give me some of your love
Cause I know you want let in
I can give you anything you want
Tell me if you want to catch my sins

Cause I can get you high without that heron
I can make you shoot up without a rig
Shed your skin, I mean your clothes
Take a moment to rest on my lips

Better yet, my hips
Your neck, I like your hands
Put them where you feel like
You'd be the best one night stand

You look like a pinko commie
You taste like the USSR
You smell like winter in Siberia
You move just like a tzar

Touch me, touch me, touch me
It's you, I can be the object
Of your affection, it's all I need
I'm such a fucking addict

You're all I want right now, for now
In this moment you're perfect
Every inch is just for you
So tell me, dear, what's the verdict?